Avelut refers to the period of mourning observed in Jewish tradition following the death of a close relative. The mourning process is divided into several stages, each with its own set of laws and customs. These stages are based on halachic (Jewish legal) sources and are deeply rooted in Jewish tradition. These laws only apply to the relatives one degree removed (i.e. parents, siblings, spouse, and children) but not others like cousins, grandchildren, friends, etc., who can express their grief without these specific laws.
- Aninut (Onen):
- This is the immediate period after the death and before the burial.
- It is usual that upon hearing of of the death of an immediate relative, one should rend his garments.
- Laws associated with Aninut include the exemption from positive commandments, such as praying and wearing Tefillin, when they interfere with arrangements for burial. Notably a Jewish burial should occur as soon as possible—within a couple hours of passing away—not delaying for family travel, ceremony, etc..
- The focus during Aninut is on the practicalities of preparing for the funeral, and the mourner is exempt from certain religious obligations if those would delay burial.
- If physically able, the Onen is the one who lowers the body into the ground and begins adding the soil back. Many mourners speak of the closure they get from Judaism’s more up-front approach compared to that of other cultures.
- Avelut (Shiva):
- The main stage of mourning, lasting for seven days beginning after the burial.
- During the Shiva period, mourners typically sit on low stools or the floor, a practice known as “sitting Shiva.” During this time, people will come to visit, offer condolences, and hear stories about the life of the deceased.
- Laws during this period include refraining from work, not wearing leather shoes, not bathing for pleasure, not cutting hair, and avoiding marital relations.
- Mourners recite the Kaddish prayer during Shiva, expressing their commitment to the sanctification of God’s name.
- Shloshim:
- The extended mourning period lasting thirty days from the burial.
- During Shloshim, mourners gradually reintegrate into regular life but maintain certain restrictions.
- The laws include avoiding festive celebrations, not shaving or getting a haircut, and not attending joyous events.
- The mourning intensity decreases compared to Shiva, but the mourning practices are still observed.
- Yud Bet Chodesh (Twelve Months):
- In the following months, mourners observe a lighter form of mourning for a full twelve months after the passing.
- During this period, mourners refrain from attending celebrations and may avoid certain activities, although the restrictions are less stringent than during Shiva and Shloshim.
- The Kaddish prayer is recited throughout the year for eleven months, and it is a common practice to study Mishnah or other sacred texts in memory of the deceased throughout the year. This is because the Mishnah (משנה) has the same spelling as the word for ‘soul’, Neshamah (נשמה) and of course any mitzvah done for the departed will help their souls.
- Yahrzeit:
- On the date of death every year, according to the Hebrew calendar, mourners will recite Kadish, and many people will make a memorial goal of learning some amount of Torah or doing charity, they will make donations, and other mitzvahs in the memory of the deceased. People also light a candle that burns for the 24 hours.
The stages of avelut are not only a set of legalistic rules but also reflect a deeper hashkafa, or religious outlook, on life, death, and the process of mourning. These stages allow the mourner time to grieve, reflect, and importantly, gradually return to daily life. The emphasis on community support during Shiva and the ongoing remembrance through the recitation of Kaddish and study reflect the interconnectedness of the individual with the broader Jewish community and the eternal nature of the soul. The mourning process serves not only as a personal expression of grief but also as a way to sanctify life and maintain the enduring connection between the living and the departed, doing mitzvahs for those who no longer can.
